Andy Rooney – Great Quotes

from CNN.com

Words from a seasoned and cultured long-time news commentator in US news broadcasting history:

“I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.” — from an essay on his eyebrows, Nov. 24, 1996

“We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.” — from an essay on finding a good job, March 21, 2010

“We didn’t shock them, and we didn’t awe them in Baghdad. The phrase makes us look like foolish braggarts. The president ought to fire whoever wrote that for him.” — on the start of the war in Iraq in 2003

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“I recently bought this new laptop to use when I travel. Look at that. Fits right into my briefcase. It weighs less than three pounds. I lose that much getting mad, waiting to get on the plane through security at the airport.” — from an essay on computers, Feb. 11, 2009

CBS commentator Andy Rooney dies at 92

“We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that’s what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.” — on the astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Challenger after it exploded on takeoff in 1986

“Not many people in this world are as lucky as I’ve been. … All this time I’ve been paid to say what is on my mind on television. You don’t get any luckier in life than that.” — from Rooney’s final “60 Minutes” essay, Oct. 2, 2011

“One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.” — from Rooney’s first “60 Minutes” essay, July 2, 1978

“The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.” — from an essay on coffee cans, Oct. 23, 1988

“A lot of these products are actually pretty good. But why are they always trying to con us with the contrived pictures on the box that don’t look anything like you get when you eat it?” — from an essay on the pictures on food packages, Dec. 4, 1988

“I don’t know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you’ve taken a pill out?” — from an essay on pill bottles, Oct. 12, 1986

“I understand shipping — you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company — but what’s this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don’t want a lot of people handling something I’m going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn’t handle it before you sent it to me?” — from an essay on fine print, March 12, 1989

“Dogs are nicer than people.” — from an essay on the true things in life, Dec. 5, 2007

“I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.” — from a CBS interview with Morley Safer, Oct. 2, 2011

“I am interested in details. If you go into anything far enough, you get into the details of it, and people turn out to be interested in what makes things work.” — from a 2010 interview in The Colgate Scene

Here are more from BrainyQuote.com:

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
Andy Rooney

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
Andy Rooney

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
Andy Rooney

Death is a distant rumor to the young.
Andy Rooney

Don’t rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
Andy Rooney

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
Andy Rooney

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It’s sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn’t hurt.
Andy Rooney

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
Andy Rooney

I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
Andy Rooney

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
Andy Rooney

I don’t pick subjects as much as they pick me.
Andy Rooney

I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
Andy Rooney

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.
Andy Rooney

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
Andy Rooney

I like ice hockey, but it’s a frustrating game to watch. It’s hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
Andy Rooney

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andy Rooney

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
Andy Rooney